Hi friends,
More of a personal day today, as I’m musing on missions and Christ.
I served with a tribal church planting organization in east Africa in my late 20s. I had prepared for 7 years to go (Bible college, missionary training, contingency preparedness, support raising), because I planned on being there long-term…like, “for the rest of my life” kind of long term.
I came home after just 3 years completely broken, plagued with PTSD from attacks on my physical person, suicidal, and in the grips of a long dark night of the soul.
Over the last 8 years since I returned, the Lord has done an incredible amount of healing. He’s walked with me through many of those seasons when the darkness just will not lift; to a great degree, He has healed my PTSD; and most recently, He’s stirred me up to see how lovely He is and yet how small my love for Him is.
Though for a time, the very thought of missions was too painful to contemplate again, the heart for unreached people and language groups—those who have no access to the gospel in their heart language—hasn’t left me. As this year has been a brainstorming year, of asking the Lord to shake me up and give me clarity on the next steps He wants me to take, I signed up to attend a missions conference. We’ve only had one day of the conference so far, but my brain is teeming with these question regarding my pursuit of missions and my love for Christ. They’re like Psalm 136, where every other line is ‘for His steadfast love endures forever.’ Over and over again. For 26 verses.
I was involved in evangelism before I moved overseas…
But did I love Jesus?
I was passionate about being a purposeful single Christian woman and not wasting my life…
But did I burn with love for Christ?
I carried the burden of knowing of the existence and eternal separation from Christ of the unreached…
But was my “Here am I, send me” an outpouring of love for the Lord?
I said I was flexible and willing to do anything on my new field…
Was it from a heart of serving that naturally overflowed from a white-hot worshipping heart?
I have have suffered in the name of Christ, and will bear the physical and mental scars and scar tissue of that for the rest of my life…
But do I adore Jesus?
I’m part of the 50% of missionaries who didn’t last more than 1 term on the field…
But can my initial failure be viewed/serve as part of a preparation God was doing to fit me for the work ahead, whether overseas again or not?
Do I only get one shot at this?
“Failed” missionaries should be the most useful, because we know exactly what didn’t work, and won’t make that mistake again.
Even the best trained Green Beret can become a casualty of war if he steps on a land mine or is shot in the heart. Can’t the same truths hold for the many who trained and went to serve as missionaries, but were taken out quickly by one means or another?
There’s no denying that in my deepest depression, I ran to empty cisterns to block the ache, and the enemy got a foothold with my besetting sins I struggle with most.
But does this mean I’m any less worthy of an active role in the Father’s loving plan for the salvation of the nations than someone whose journey has not been as personally rocky in the same way?
No.
I’ve never been able to say that with such confidence.
NO!!
None of us are ‘worthy’ to be involved. The Great Commission wasn’t given with an asterisk that read “Only apply if you’re perfect and won’t make any mistakes or get it wrong the first time.”
Christ is worthy of great care being taken in carrying out the commission. This is not a call to compliance ‘it doesn’t matter than I’m a mess, Jesus loves me so I’m good’ sinful complacency.
But what is truly necessary for continuing in missions, in ministry, in the Kingdom, in unity with Christ?
It’s not my worthiness.
His love for me and my love for Him.
Praise the Lord
I don’t know still what is next. But pursuing the Lover of my soul will. Not. Be. In. Vain. He hasn’t cut me off from being a part of what He’s doing through His church. There is hope yet, because His love is everlasting…He will hold me fast.
From Psalm 145:
Great is the Lord and worthy to be praised. The Lord is gracious, merciful, and compassionate, slow to anger, rich and abounding in steadfast love.
-Joanna
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