Just Jesus…
I know that I’ve been trying to keep this focused on Your character, and who You are. But I can’t move on from this call to love my enemies combined with the fact that You reward people for obedience.
These are the bits that keep relentlessly rising to the surface of the murky 8-ball of my heart, and giving me no rest:
“But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you. In that way, you will be acting as true children of your father in heaven. For he gives his light to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust alike. If you love only those who love you, what reward is there for that? Even corrupt taxpayers do that much. If you are kind only to your friends, how are you different to anyone else?” – Matthew 6
“You tell me to change how I work for rewards, because there’s a change in the kind of rewards I’m working for as well as the source of those rewards. I obey with humility for rewards from my Father Who sees in secret.”
“Your first impulse, Your gut reaction towards both Your friends and enemies, is kindness. You are full of integrity (You can sincerely tell me to do as You said AND do, because those are in harmony for You), and You are unyieldingly generous in Your impulses/thoughts towards me.”
“Lord, You are generous and have happy rewards for me when I obey You.”
This is an intensely personal thing, folks. And I want to be careful how I speak about this, because the point isn’t to make you wonder who it is I am struggling to love.
The point is I have someone in my life who (whom?) I don’t want to love and don’t know how to love. And Lord, You are well aware of this. And probably it’s not even just one person. I think this is a severe mercy that You’re showing me some really ugly ‘unlovingness’ in my heart towards people in general. It’s embarrassing but true. You’ve called me to follow You, which means I’m supposed to watch and listen, and then copy You. You give sunlight and rain to those who love You and those who don’t. Those are two incredibly essential and good, beneficial things for You to give people. I desperately don’t want to do that. I don’t want to give the “sunshine and rain” of my love, my care, my concern, my time, my texts, my phone calls, my mental effort, my encouragement, my humor, my gifts, my hugs, my truth speaking, my brain cells, my forgiveness capacity to this person in particular. It feels impossible, Jesus. I’m literally gagging at the thought of it; somehow my tailbone aches and wants to run away from me (I can’t make this stuff up, just reporting the news here); and I’m choking on the urge to scream and rip something apart. Which says way more about me than it does about the other person.
But I’m also unbelievably curious about what reward You have ready for me on the other side of this obedience. If I would stop resisting for half a second, what sweet, safe, indestructible prize would I see You holding out for me? What’s the best thing that could happen?
Show me how on earth to do this, please. You’re my King, You’re my Savior, You’re my Helper, You’re my Friend. You are the only one who can possibly make any headway with me in this. I know even as I’m typing I’m digging in my heels and saying “No, wait, no! I don’t want to!” Deliver me from the snare of worldly wisdom. Give me fearless, humble love for the people in my life. Thank you for knowing I’m dust and for not giving up on me.
-Joanna
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