Today’s Saturday Spotlight is
Robyn Timmerman.
When I think about my current season of life, there really is no consistent theme. My husband and I are both home, homeschooling 2 kids with a toddler running around. We all seem to be on top of each other every day, and we rarely feel like we have anything figured out. Maybe that’s the theme, crowded chaos. Ha! Believe it or not, I’ve come a long way.
I remember dreaming about this life before I had kids, before I was even an adult. I knew exactly how I’d parent, strict but gentle and loving. I had it all figured out. Before I was saved, I had more practical ideas and executions. I was a controller. I was prepared, efficient, effective, successful. At most things at least. If I wasn’t, I’d try, try again. A perfectionist. I took pride in my ability to figure things out, and I sure had a competitive nature. I was unknowingly teetering on the edge of a cliff.
When I became a mother, I quickly realized that I couldn’t quite control things as I had before. Sleep was nonexistent, baby would get sick, plans would change, time was just an illusion. I had needs, my partner had needs and my children had needs. I had people I loved more than anything depending on me, and I sure set that mom/wife bar high!
Everything was unpredictable and I just always felt like I was one step behind. I had less of a hold on life and it crushed me. Not only that, I felt unworthy and lost. This pattern continued for many years, the rise of having a plan, executing it just so, and then quickly followed with the fall of failure when things didn’t end up going as planned.
I felt like I was constantly failing myself, my partner, and my kids. I may have been a controller of things on the outside, but really, I had no control on the inside, within my heart and within my home.
The fear of the unknown crippled me, and I spent most days anxious and worried. I had no coping skills for when life inevitably didn’t go my way. I was exhausted from trying to appear like I had it all together and like I was ok with life not going as I had planned. As a perfectionist, I was not ok.
When I reflect now, I realize how little space I afforded for joy.
This all, by God’s grace, led me to church. There I found my answer, my lifeline. And as I tear up writing this, I remember the actual weight of the world I had placed on my shoulders being lifted, and no, not by myself.
I was told the Good News, that I was in fact not in control, not well prepared, not efficient, not effective, and I definitely would not be successful.. Not on my own. I wasn’t supposed to take on the world on my own.
I had a gracious, merciful Heavenly Father who loved me so much that he’d take from me the weight I had felt for most of my life, who’d given His son for me and who’d never leave nor forsake me.
Those moments of relinquishing the control that I had such a strong hold on, changed my life.
So now, back to my crowded chaos. Praise the Lord who gave me this beautiful, JOYOUS, chaotic, unpredictable, full of love life and who also said I don’t have to do it alone.
Although my flesh still has a desire to control at times and boy do I still fail, I am reminded to control what I can, but leave the big stuff to the Lord, to trust in Him.
I am comforted in knowing that ultimately, my family and I are in good hands, and they aren’t my own. The presence I feel, the peace I feel, and the love I feel from the Lord, in this season and all seasons to come, is such a gift and such a sweet relief.
-Robyn
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